Dear parents with bad parenting skills:

It's not you that I don't want to see.  It's your kids.  It pains me to be around your ill-behaved kids and to watch you not do anything about it.  I'm sorry, but I have my sanity to keep.  I hope we can still be friends. 

Love you,

Grace

In recent months, I have not been able to:

• listen to any sermon podcasts (I did, however, forced myself to listen to one yesterday...to my surprise, it was good)
• spend time with God
• read the Bible
• journal on a regular basis
• attend church service without anxiety
• not be disappointed in/by people
• see the goodness of Christians and/or Christianity

However, I am able to listen to worship music and enjoy it thoroughly.  It's the only form of "religious" act I can give to right now. This moment in time is my "darkest valley."  As God commands it, I am to walk through it, not stop and settle.  So, with that in mind, my journey may be long (it's been five years so far), but I know one day I'll reach a point where all the things listed above will no longer bring me anxiety and I will have freedom again.  

?????

Last night I met with a close friend for dinner and we caught up with each other's lives.  The main topic of the night was about our Christian journey and how we're both on parallel/similar track right now.  We are "rediscovering" what Church means to us and trying to breakaway the things that has been ingrained in us on how to be a "good" Christian.  In the midst of our conversation, she asked me how my counseling was coming along.  I told her that I think it's strange and funny that I have to pay someone to tell me that it's normal for me to be on this journey I'm on and that I'm not a bad Christian.  We laughed a bit and then felt sad that people in the Christian community cannot support and/or encourage me on this journey and I have to pay good money for a professional to tell me so.  

So, why is it so hard for people to understand that I don't want to be on the same journey they are on and that I have my own journey to discover?  

SIMPLE THINGS in LIFE #4: NO MORE FACEBOOK!!!

I have been detoxing from Facebook for a couple of weeks now.  It has been so freeing.  But just last week, I officially "DELETED" my Facebook.  Before, my account was on deactivate mode which means that when I'm ready to get back on, all my friends, statuses, pictures, comments, etc. will all still be there.  But after discussing this with a friend and helping another friend delete their account, I officially did it too.  To be quite honest, I don't miss it at all.  I thought I would go through withdrawals, but I'm doing quite fine and I actually feel happier.  I often describe my Facebook experience like being on drugs.  When I was on it, I couldn't stop checking it.  But now that I 'm not on it, I don't miss it one bit.  Also, it's so nice that I don't have to read any more statuses!  

COMMITMENTS. UGH!

I got myself a realtor and gave her a list of 19 houses that I would like to check out.  This is a very scary process for me.  I am very afraid of commitments: relationships, short-term, long-term, job, a HOUSE, etc... But I'm doing this in honor of my parents.  We'll see where it takes me.  Please PRAY that I will stay sane!!!  

SOMETIMES I WONDER...

Sometimes I wonder if I let someone special slip away because of my fear of commitment, my need to feel like an independent woman, and my inability to see people for who they are and accepting them when they don't fit in my expectations.  

ADVENT CONSPIRACY 2010

ENJOY.

Ok.  So, this song may not fit your music style.  But listen to the words.  It's pretty powerful.  Well...at least I think so.  :)  Enjoy!

A GLIMPSE.

Recently, I had to confront someone really high up at my organization about his attitude and actions toward me.  He has deeply hurt my feelings and impacted my relationship with God.  It took me three weeks to come up with the final email draft to send him.  As I've been praying and contemplating on what to write the last couple of weeks, I caught just a little glimpse of the people that my organization helps.  Lately, we've been hearing stories from the field about Christians being accused of blasphemy and quickly sentenced without a chance to speak their side of the story.  Although, I don't think my situation is anywhere close to the persecution of these people, it struck me how even free Christians are suppressed to speak up at times.  We either sweep it under the rug or with our best intention, pray and try to forgive others.  Yes, that's what we are called to do, but at the same time, if the other party hurts you and are truly in the wrong, whether they are a leader or not, there is an accountability and responsibility on our part to confront them in love.

I am tired of leaders getting away with things because they "think" they hold all the power.  In reality, God does.  Trust me, I've gone back and forth about confronting this man because of fear of being fired and other things that may be stirred up.  I wanted to just put things aside and go on with life, but I couldn't just let it go.  If I work for an organization that preaches to speak up for those who cannot, and I'm sitting in my cubicle not speaking up when I can, I would be a hypocrite.  As one Christian to another, we should all feel the freedom to talk through things.  

Please know that this step to move forward wasn't an easy one.  I've talked to God over and over about this, but in order to restore the relationship and trust, I had to say something.  I would not want this to happen to anyone else in the office.  It would not be fair or right for me to sit back and let it happen again.  The problem needed to be addressed and fixed, so I did it.  At the end, God is in control and I've done my part.  Now I can only trust the He will take care of the rest.  

CHANGES.

For awhile now, I've been feeling a huge tug on my heart to change the way I live.  The "tug" wouldn't go away until I did something about it.  It was like having an annoying song played over and over in your head and until you hear another song, it won't go away.  I felt like that with the "tug." I needed to just make the change right then instead of trying to rationalize.  

First change:  Two months ago, I started to live on a certain percentage of my paycheck, put a huge percentage into savings and donate the rest.  It is not easy living on a certain amount, but it has been the most freeing feeling ever!  Also, the money that I've put away came in handy after some unexpected events happened and I needed the money to pay for it.  If I didn't store that chunk of money away, I wouldn't have had the means to pay!  

Second change:  After weeks of feeling nauseous whenever I log on to Facebook, I finally deactivated my account.  And so far, I don't even miss it and once again, I feel FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!  

Next:  Changing my phone number.  

SIMPLE THING in LIFE #3

My Shark 2-in-1 Cordless Stick Vac and Handheld Vacuum Cleaner. 

This is one of the best purchases I've ever made in my life!!!!!!  It's cordless, bag-less, light, convenient, and works really well.  I love my new vacuum!!!! 



FREE.

I am so grateful to be free...

Free to believe.

Free from being sold and enter into a life of bonded labor or prostitution. 

Free to make wise choices in what I buy from now on.  

Free to be who I am.

Free to dream. 

Now that I know what I know, I cannot keep living the way I do and stay silent.  

Please learn about human slavery and trafficking at Not-For-Sale.  We have been born with privileges, freedom and a voice.  The question of "What if I was one of them?" keeps replaying over and over my head.  Fortunately, I am not.  What if?  I hope that someone is speaking out for me and fighting for my freedom.  What if it was you?  What if you had to sell your child(ren) to pay off your loan?  You would be hoping that someone out there cares for you and is fighting for you to be free.  Please don't just sit there anymore.  Do something!     

SIMPLE THINGS in LIFE #2: MUSIC & FRIENDS

This week, I'm really appreciating songs with good lyrics.  I've discovered:  

I love the music and lyrics to the cover song, "Light Up the Sky."  Click on the link to hear the music and read the beautiful lyrics.  And for those who know me, this song is definitely "music in the dark" worthy.  :)

Secondly, I just love my friends.  Good, quality friends are hard to come by these days.  I am really thankful for the ones I have.  Tonight painted a picture of the kind of friends I'm blessed with:  she simply held me tight as I cried out my anger and frustrations to God.  And then she made me laugh.  At the end, I know she didn't judge me or love me less.  So, to all my friends who has been with me the last couple of months, thank you for allowing me to share my crap with you and for not judging me.  I really appreciate it more than words can express.  

SIMPLE THINGS in LIFE: ALMOND CHEESE & CRAZY LOVE

I love finding simple things in life that can brighten up your day.  This week, I want to feature two things that just makes me smile no matter how horrible life is going. 

First up, Almond Jalapeno style cheese.  Yes you've read it correctly, it's cheese made from almonds and it's delicious especially when it's on toasted seasame Ezekiel bread topped with fresh veggies and a dab of mustard.  OR cut up a few pieces and add it to your salad.  It is just simply delicious! 

The second simple thing that makes me happy is Crazy Love by Francis Chan. 

Have you ever read a book that addresses things that you've been questioning about?  Yeah, this is that book for me!  It's not toned (dumbed) down nor is it hard to read and it's challenging!  All of which I just LOVE! 

Ahhhhhhh...writing this post just makes me so happy! 

PLEASE DON'T PREACH AT ME OR JUDGE ME!

Please don't preach at me or judge me on what I'm about to share. The last couple of years has been the best times of my life in regards with my relationship with God.I've been to the deep valleys and climbed to the highest mountain tops. I've loved my journey and I love where I am right now. I wouldn't trade it in for anything in the world. I've come to know who I am and what being a follower of Christ means to me. To some, or even many, of you who reads this may disagree with me, but please don't judge or preach at me. I'm figuring things out and I'm just sharing my journey.  Here I go...

• I am not a fan of "formulaic" Christianity.  Please don't preach to me on the things I must do to become a better, mature Christian.
• I do not like schedule forced time with God.  I won't do it.  
• I am not one that likes to pray OUT LOUD when asked, especially when I don't trust you. I will answer you politely by saying, "Thank you so much for thinking of me, but no thanks."  Yes, I know it's shocking that I would refuse such a request.  I've seen all sort of faces of shock in the last few years.  But, I WILL reject it and trust me, God still loves me. 
• I'll pray out loud when I feel like I need to.  Please respect me and don't ask me to open, close or tell me which prayer requests to pray out loud for. The forced praying out loud thing doesn't work for me. I'll probably end up not saying anything or even walk out.  I'm perfectly fine praying along with everyone else and praying SILENTLY in my chair.  
• I am fearful of churches that uses some sort of metrics/surveys to measure spiritual growth or maturity among members and attendees.  I refuse to answer an surveys that asks how many times I pray daily, how much I tithe and how often, etc.  
• I don't believe Church only happens in the pews located in a building on Sunday mornings.  Neither am I a fan of going to church in a building just to show that I'm a follower of Christ or a better Christian.  Things like that makes me cringe.  
• I ABSOLUTELY detest church politics.  Just pure yuckiness. 
• I don't embrace fakeness.  24/7 happy Christians scares me...a lot.  Something is really creepy about that.  It's ok to be raw and admit you're going through a tough time.  I love people who are open and honest.  
• I don't embrace self-glorification.  Please don't start a conversation with me just to tell me how holy and good you are.  I will walk away from you or put on my headphones in the middle of the conversation.  I'm not joking.  But if you want to tell me your journey and what God has shown you, I will clear my schedule to listen, but I will not tolerate if you want to compare with me or others.  

As a dear friend told me today how she just sees God has preserved me from walking away from Him. He truly has. There has been so many instances that has made me cringe and ready to give it all up. The amazing thing is that every time I'm about to give up, God tells me, "Silly girl, I'm not going to let you go." Now, I cannot imagine my life with Him. Just can't. I'm so glad that He has "preserved" me as His beloved one. 

So, for those who are reading this and are having a hard journey, you are NOT alone. I COMPLETELY understand. Don't be afraid to be yourself. There isn't a "check-off" list. Continue to seek and love God as best as you can. Listen to those who you admire and trust. Listen to your heart. Go visit L'Abri. :) And remember, God loves you, period.  

And I'll leave you with this quote from another wise and dear friend: "I'm not having a 'faith crisis.' I know what I believe, that has not changed. I am however, having a 'Christianity crisis.' It's time for change."

ONE YEAR DOWN, ONE MORE TO GO!!!!!

This time last year, I was attending the weekend long orientation for MBA.  As I'm writing this, I am quite shocked how fast time has flown by, how much God has blessed me with, and that I only have one more year left!!!!!  Here's a little recap of the year:

1.  Cohort:  Some of the most amazing people I've met.  We are a very tight group and have shared many raw moments with one another.  Couldn't have asked for a better group of men and women to share my journeys with.  God is good.  

2.  Taking one day at a time:  I'm kind of a planner when it comes to my future.  I have a list of things to accomplish and I think about how and when to accomplish them all the time.  This year has been somewhat of a shifting year for me.  Things would come up out of the blue that requires me to "reschedule" my tasks.  It happened all the time and then disappointment sets in.  So, after many disappointing attempts, I just give up on trying to plan too much in advance and learned to take and enjoy one day at time.  I am not going to mess with what God has planned for me just so I can do what I want.  Learned my lesson the hard way.  God is good.  

3.  My best:  Grades are important, but what I've learned this past year is that it's not that important if it's going to kill you.  After stressing myself out one of the semesters and getting really sick from it, I've learned that all I can do is do my best.  If I don't get that A, I don't get it.  Oh well.  Not worth risking my life to maintain that GPA.  God is good. 

4.  Classes:  LOVED, LOVED, LOVED my classes (minus one).  Loved the professors (minus one).  Loved the subjects (minus one).  Loved how to incorporate Biblical perspectives into business (hard, but can be done!).  Learning a ton and enjoying every moment of it.  God is good. 

5.  August 2011:  For those who are wondering what I'll be doing after I'm done with school, my answer is:  I don't know.  I have absolutely no clue what I'll be doing.  God has not revealed that to me yet.  I am excited to see where He will lead me, but other than that, I have no inkling of where I will be, what I'll be doing, etc.  I just know that for the time being, school is what I'm focusing on and that's what I'm going to do.  God is good.  

One last year.  Can't wait to see what will happen this year!  Thanks for journeying with me and for praying for me.  

THE JOY LUCK CLUB.

To understand my life, just watch The Joy Luck Club.  I'm a cross between June and Waverly. Yup.  Pretty much sums up my life.  

HOT + HUMID

I'm in Missouri!!!!!! It's quite hot and humid here. It's like one big outdoor sauna!! But seeing my good friend, Bex, is totally worth it. Thank God for air conditioning. How did people survive before this great invention??????

SHARING.

Well, here's a little unknown (maybe) fact about me:  I do not like to share food.  I don't know what it is, but I really hate it when I go out to eat with someone and they want to share a plate. I'm ok with sharing what I choose to eat IF they also have a plate to share.  But if it's just one plate...yeah...I don't do that.  If there are mulitiple plates of food, I'm all for sharing.  Just don't try to split one plate with me.  I get very annoyed and frustrated.  There you have it.  Is it just me?