April 30th, the day before my first day of my mini-sabbatical, I found a letter. I opened the letter and read the whole thing. I felt discouraged. I felt defeated. I thought to myself "What the heck am I doing? Why am I going on this trip for?" I felt like crap and I felt worthless. I felt so undeserving of something great. I cried.
After reading it, I quickly regained my composure and emailed my friend, Elaine, for prayer and to let her know what I just stumbled across. You see, that week, I was facing spiritual attacks. Earlier in the week, I had a meltdown. I couldn't stop crying and I felt so depressed and sad. I had my dear friend, Sarah Jackson, pray for me over Google Chat. It quickly subsided after her prayers. (Thanks friend!) Then, the stupid letter came.
Satan is constantly on the prowl especially when he knows that you are trying to accomplish something good. It's simple as that. He hates it and doesn't want you to succeed and receive all the goodness God want you to have. He knew that this trip, God would be building me up for the Kingdom and that did not settle with him. So, he decided to bring on my insecurities to make me feel devalued.
God told me that He wanted me to go on an adventure. So, I listened and planned the trip. Everything fell into place very quickly. Things were going smoothly till the month before the trip. I haven't booked any of my hotel stays. I lost heart and desires to get online and reserve. When I finally did have the desires to look, I was overwhelmed with all the choices. I knew that I needed to get the ball rolling. So, Elaine came over one night and pretty much made the decisions of where to stay for me. It was great! One hurdle down, lots more to go....
Then came all the doubts and questions. I started to fear that I've made a big mistake. What if I didn't gain anything from the trip? What would people think of me? The high expectations that I put on myself started to overwhelm me and it was so much to think about that I started wondering if I've made a wise choice or not. I was going back and forth in my mind. I was excited one minute and disappointed the other 59 minutes. It was crazy. Elaine kept praying for me and I did as well. I struggled in getting excited for it. I was scared in all aspect: what God was going to tell me, what others expected for this trip, etc...
This trip made me realized that satan is constantly pumping falsehood into us and we need to be ready to fight against that battle. I mean, I've always knew it, but it was so obvious this time around. I am so glad for friends like Elaine and Sarah who I can go to for prayer in times like these. I've never been good at asking for people to pray for me, but there's a sense of freedom that overcame me when I asked. I was allow to be myself...the worst of me. To be able to admit that I was struggling was HUGE for me. It was the first step to let satan know that he has no right to have a hold of me. It told him that I will not allow him to come in my way. It also set me free from his stronghold of me.
When I got home on April 30th, the first thing I did was to take the letter out and I lit it on fire. See pictures below as proof. :) I burned that piece of crap and I felt freedom!!!
I am not to look back to my past failures. I am not to use that as an excuse anymore. I am to look to how God has rescued me out of those pits and blessed me with greatness. I am to look ahead and pursue what He has set before me. I have hope. I have dreams. I need to pursue them.
Yes, insecurities still creeps up throughout the day. But I no longer allow that to overcome my being. I simply remind myself, which sometimes requires me to say it aloud, "I am beautiful. I am God's beautiful jewel. He has created me to be shown to the world and not hidden/tucked away." When I claim it and own it, I am free from those insecurities. It's great!
